


Buried in broken dreams

by WatchforWitches



Category: Shadowhunters (TV)
Genre: Alec Lightwood & Catarina Loss Friendship, Coda, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Hurt Magnus Bane, Loss of Powers, M/M, Magnus Bane & Catarina Loss Friendship, Supportive Alec Lightwood
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-02-27
Updated: 2019-02-27
Packaged: 2019-11-06 11:55:02
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,972
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17939198
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/WatchforWitches/pseuds/WatchforWitches
Summary: The room still smelled faintly of fire and ash, the remnants of a now long burned out pentagram. Magnus looked around him, a place that was once his workshop, his kingdom, and now was nothing more than a room of things that reminded him too strongly of everything that he no longer had.





	Buried in broken dreams

**Author's Note:**

> Coda for Shadowhunters season 3b episode 11  
> Title from The Other Side by Ruelle  
> -  
> Basically Magnus has one facial expression in the alleyway scene that inspired this nearly 3k fic

Alec Lightwood is young.

He is young in a way that Magnus never has been, in a way he will never be. But Magnus understands this, this feeling of youthfulness that is overshadowed by a sense of urgent responsibility.

He felt it in the institute, watching Alec with all the poise and control of a soldier, giving orders and listing tasks. He felt it watching Alec with his siblings, with Clary. He was only a year or two older than each of them, but the gap seemed much wider.

Alec had always felt older than he was, at 23 he had already faced so much, his life had been so strictly ruled.

But in this moment now, with Magnus feeling every year of his centuries of life, Alec had never felt younger, more naive. Because he would never understand, holding Magnus up in his arms- holding him back just as much- how much this felt like a loss. Magnus had watched as Izzy and Alec trapped Iris, outsmarted her, out numbered her. Magnus had been motionless, hurt and unarmed, and it felt _awful_.

Alec's lips quirked in a minuscule smirk at Magnus. He sighed heavily, he didn't roll his eyes, but it was a near thing. He was exhausted, he didn't have the time or energy to fight back against this. All he could do was slump into Alec's arms against his own wishes to stand tall, prove to him that he was stronger than this, prove he could stand himself.

And Alec's face was the picture of youth, the proud bold defiant set of his eyes, the quirk of his lips. He was used to this, this was his playground, arrows and dark alleys and the adrenaline of _winning_. Magnus himself felt old, for the first time in a very long time. He felt like an intruder here, against all this. His wheelhouse had been glamour and high profile and magic. He was used to this grimy violence being background noise, not on the forefront. It was dizzying how misplaced he felt, how the sweat down his back felt like it was prickling pinpoints down his spine. He recalled all of his worst and earliest memories, how they had been forced to the surface. That's what this helplessness felt like, that same fear that he hadn't felt since childhood.

And he could almost reconcile when these things were brought up months back, when his body had been robbed of him and his helplessness was only brief- awful, traumatic, and devastating as it had been. But this - a warlock using magic against him, magic he could have so easily made look a mere parlor trick less than a week ago - broke something else inside of him.

He watched as Alec and Izzy apprehended Iris, watched as Izzy promised quietly to her brother that they would bring her to the gard immediately. Magnus knew about the warlock the institute had hired for the short term, to aid in important comings and goings of the shadowhunters and of the Clave. A portal, what was once merely a flick of his wrist, and he couldn't even manage that. "We have to take Iris to the institute right away," Alec told his quietly, "I called Cat, she can look over you. Do you want to come back with us?"

Magnus looked up to meet Alec's gaze, seeing the desperation. It was like Alec was being torn in two, needing to go but wanting to stay, it was obvious but nothing new. Magnus was tired, and so he shook his head, "No," he practically whispered, voice rough, "No I think I'll just go home."

"Okay," Alec nodded, holding Magnus' arm, "Okay, I'll come home as soon as I can okay? Do you want a portal?"

Magnus had to restrain himself from cringing at the offer, the kind carefulness Alec spoke with. "No I think the walk will do me some good."

Alec leveled him with a look, "Magnus, you're exhausted, you shouldn't-"

"Alexander," Magnus said, kind but firm, "I'll be fine."

Alec looked at him disprovingly, but nodded, catching his lips in a quick kiss before turning his attention back to Izzy and Iris. Magnus waited for them to disappear through the portal before shaking out a breath that was closer to a gasp. He felt like he was drowning, he felt like kneeling over in the street and just screaming. He wasn't used to having no power, to feeling shame and guilt and anger whirl in his stomach. Before he could compose himself and start walking home, before he could even take a step, a portal was opening in front of him, and Catarina was stepping out of it.

"Cat, what are you-"

"I do have your boyfriend's phone number Magnus, and we do text. He asked me to come and help you, told me where you were. He seemed worried." Catarina managed to make her voice soft without it sounding like pity. Magnus knew a lifetime of working so close to death had given her this subtle ability. He would be grateful for this, if his own embarrassment wasn't making him dizzy and nauseous.

"Come on," she sighed, urging Magnus towards a new portal she created, "Let's get you home."

Magnus walked into the portal and felt like a dog with a tail between his legs. When he got into the loft he tried as best as he could to pull himself together.

"You and I both know you better than this, Magnus. You don't get to pretend around me, lord knows I don't pretend around you," Catarina sat on his couch, waiting for Magnus himself to sit, to settle. When he did she took his hand in hers, and started healing the wounds there. "I can't imagine what you are going through Magnus. No one can. That kind of loss, its unfathomable. I don't even think the nephilim losing a parabatai could understand. But don't lose hope. You made a deal, they are meant to be broken, you'll find a loophole, find a way to get your magic back. And even if you don't, you have me, and Alexander and hell half the downworld at least. You aren't alone. You have a family."

Magnus slumped back into the couch, and Catarina shot him a glance while running her magic over him, healing any bumps and bruises in the process. The feeling of having magic cast on him was almost familiar, if he wasn't focusing, if he closed his eyes, he could almost trick himself into thinking the magic running over him felt the same as his own running through him. It wasn't the same, but it was the closest thing he had felt to it.

"You don't have to talk to me," Catarina told him after she was done, "But you should talk, to someone, to Alec. He's really worried about you, and I know you, you'll try and bottle it up and pretend you aren't dying inside. Don't do that to yourself Magnus. You have him, you have me, don't pretend."

Magnus thought about her words, and sighed heavily. "It's not that I don't want to talk to you Cat," he looked up to meet her eyes from where she stood above him, "You're my dearest friend, I know you are here. I just don't have words for this. I don't know what to say. I feel weak and useless and exhausted. I feel embarrassed and empty. I know that I shouldn't feel those things, but I do."

"You should feel that way," Cat reassured, "There are no wrong emotions, you should feel however you feel. You just shouldn't fool yourself into pretending you are okay. You're suffering the greatest loss I can imagine Magnus, let people help you. If it was me, you would help me."

Magnus gave Catarina a small smile and a nod. "Thank you Catarina, seriously. You've always been here for me, I know. I'm just a little off kilter right now."

She offered him a smile, "I know Magnus. I'm here for you, if you need anything call- don't wait for your shadowhunter to have to text me all worried again. Seriously the boy used so many emojis Magnus, you've taught him well. In the meantime, you need to rest, and I have a daughter to pick up. I'll visit tomorrow okay? Madzie will want to see her uncles again I'm sure."

Magnus smiled softly at this, "Yes of course, we'd love to see her. Thanks again for the," he held up his now uninjured hand, "You know."

"Of course," she waved it off as she headedfor the door, "Get some rest."

Magnus accepted the hug she offered him and closed the door to his loft behind her. And it was quiet once again. Shaking himself off, Magnus meant to head for the bedroom, still as tired as ever. But he stopped along his path at his apothecary. He hadn't been inside of it for a couple of days, busy with shadowhunters and babysitting and denial.

But now, alone and untethered, he can't stop his feet from moving towards the room, opening the door slowly and walking inside. It still smelled faintly of fire and ash, the remnants of a now long burned out pentagram. Magnus made his way slowly through the room, carefully sitting himself on the corner stool. He looked around him, a place that was once his workshop, his kingdom, and now was nothing more than a room of things that reminded him too strongly of everything that he no longer had. He sighed heavily, looking down to his hand, rubbing his thumb over his palm where it had been injured.

Magnus heard Alec enter the loft, and he waited silently for Alec to find him. When he did, he simply leaned against the doorframe, watching Magnus. "Did you get Iris to the gard?" Magnus asked him, breaking the silence.

"Yes," Alec told him, crossing his arms over his chest, "Jia Penhallow is not my biggest fan at the moment, but what else is new?" He rolled his eyes, "Did Catarina heal you?" He asked carefully, trying to gauge the situation he was about to walk into, ever the observate soldier.

"Yes," Magnus sighed, voice tired and tight, clearly unhappy about the predicament he had found himself in. "I didn't know you two texted," he added, careful himself.

Alec shrugged as best he could against the doorframe. "Only to gossip," he smiles.

Magnus chuckled at this despite himself. "Good things I hope." He met Alec's eyes, but pulled his gaze away quickly back down to his hand, not wanting to see the concern.

"It's usually just about how handsome you are," Alec laughed softly. "Seriously though," he spoke again, laughter falling away easily, "I'm proud of you."

Magnus did roll his eyes this time, rubbing his palm again as Alec walked into the room, closing the space between them. "Oh for what? Being so powerless I was able not only to get kidnapped, but injured as well?" He raised the offending hand in the arm as if to prove some point. He was frustrated and tired and lost, and he didn't know what to do about it.

"You were powerful enough to hold your ground," Alec told him, standing in his soldier pose but ducking his head down to look at Magnus properly, "And keep your memories of Madzie's true location from Iris."

Magnus felt the anger and resentment rising in his throat, remembering all the awful memories he had offered instead of the most important one. He had been mad, and focused, and it was different. "That's not power." He said finally, rising to step away, create space.

"Yes it is Magnus," Alec said firmly, following in Magnus' footsteps, "Your power doesn't just come from your magic. It comes from your inner strength," Magnus stops moving at this, and Alec reaches out, closing the physical gap between them that had felt insurmountable a moment ago. "Which you are overflowing with," he adds softly, looking at Magnus seriously.

He pulls himself closer to Magnus and kisses him firmly, and Magnus can't help but to melt. He turns himself into his love, grabbing at his hips to pull their bodies closer, suddenly needy for this contact. When Alec hums softly and ducks away, Magnus smiles at his doeful expression. And he's young again, a bright eyed boy, happy and in love. And Magnus is happy, he is in love, but he is smart enough to know that love alone cannot solve all his problems.

He sighs and moves Alec's warm hand off his cheek and turns, because he knows he needs to talk, to vent, to allow himself this, but he can't look at Alec with all his hopefulness and say it. "I just," he turns, "I still feel so humiliated," he admits, face and voice screwing up into a displeased annoyance.

"Why?" Alec demands immediately, knowing Magnus will answer, knowing if he asked niw, Magnus would reply.

"Having you and Isabelle rescue me, and healed by Catarina," he half turned back to Alec. "I hate that feeling," he admits honestly, Alec walking to close the distance yet again between them, "of having to rely on others to take care of me."

"You've been taking care of others your whole life. Sometimes its okay to let others take care of you," Alec is serious and unyielding, reaching a hand out to Magnus' shoulder. Magnus turns into it and smiles, he may feel like a drowning man, especially here, amidst pieces of what he had lost, but he had Alec, his words and his gestures and his love. And while this was not healing everything, it was a stitch to the wound, and it helped, of course.

"Well I will tell you one thing," he says, "This is the last time I plan on getting beaten up," this makes Alec chuckle and he continues, "It's time I learned how to fight without my magic."

"Well I know a thing or two about fighting," Alec replies, "So what do you say I help you out?" Alec's voice is low, and flirting, all traces of the once scared closeted man he met gone. His bedroom eyes could nearly put Magnus' own to shame.

"Well I thought you'd never ask," Magnus eeks the same low tone into his own voice, meeting Alec's eyes, before tilting his head up to meet his lips.

Its Alec now who grabs at his hips, pulling Magnus close to him before pulling away, resting their foreheads together. "What do you say we start in the morning though? I think we could both use some sleep."

Magnus breathes in what feels like his first full breath in hours as he nods, "I think thats an excellent idea."

They move with and around one another in the bedroom, shedding clothes and brushing teeth, Magnus scrubbing off his makeup. When they meet again, full stop, its in bed, both buried deep under the covers. Alec pulls Magnus to him and Magnus goes, burying his face in Alec's neck, kissing the warm skin at the apex of his shoulder. "I love you Magnus. You know I'm always here for you. If you want to talk, if you don't want to, if you need to scream or cry or vent, I'm here."

Magnus recalls his conversation with Cat briefly before taking a deep breath, "I love you too Alexander. I know you are, soon, I will. When I find the words for you to understand, I promise."

"I will never understand," Alec says knowingly, "But I will try to. I will always try to."

Magnus knew then, that this was what he needed to hear. The acceptance that Alec would never truly get it - he couldn't, and Magnus didn't want him to, didn't need him to. He needed to hear that Alec would try, that when Magnus found the words for it, he would try. "I love you," Magnus said earnestly, putting enough in the statement to say what lay beneath, all the thank yous and sorrys he needed to say.

"I love you too," Alec said, because he could and because he wanted to. "Get some sleep, I'm gonna kick your ass tomorrow."

Magnus chuckled at this, "Bring it on shadowhunter." Alec laughed softly at this, Magnus felt it in the rise of his chest, all through his own.

Alec Lightwood was young. And Magnus sometimes forgot, and sometimes it felt like a chasm. He knew that with this youth came a naivety, a blissful ignorance - hell Alec had also been sheltered and touch starved - his youth was staggeringly obvious in some places, and an unimportant number in others. But Magnus knew that Alec could understand the pain and fear of loss, knew that Alec could tell Magnus felt himself a husk. He was young but he was not stupid, he tried to find any tears in Magnus and repair them, eager and wonderful.

Magnus Bane was old, older than he could remember some days. Time, to those immortal was a disproportionate thing, it did not matter. He was, all at once, young and old and nothing. This dichotomy that lived inside of him also lived in Alec, in smaller, less obvious ways. But Alec knew this to some extent too, and Magnus thought of all the ways he could tell him of this loss, all the ways he could string together this story without falling to pieces.

And as Magnus fell asleep, curled into the shadowhunters arms, he felt some words fall into place. He would tell Alec tomorrow, when they had all the time to themselves. But for now he felt young and in love and exhausted, so he closed his eyes and let sleep take him.

**Author's Note:**

> Hope you enjoyed, please leave kudos / comments / feedback!


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